me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
