drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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