i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
