Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
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I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
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Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug