good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I could make wine with my vomit
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.