Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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