even my farts smell like vagina
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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