New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir