I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
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Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
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The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
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