I CAN MOONWALK!
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
