I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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