the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
