I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
