I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
