i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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