is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My bed smells like the plague
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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