i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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