Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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