I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
