That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
i think im in europe. pls send help
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
