He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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