I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
