opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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