oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
