i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
