My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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