I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
