There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
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Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
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Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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