Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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