I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
