New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
