I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So many bounce houses so little time
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
