i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
