this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
