Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
