I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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