just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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