Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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