I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
