Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
a search helicopter?!
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
