i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I woke up under a house in Key West
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