come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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