did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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