Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
