i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
