My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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