Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
