I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
