The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
