his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
