Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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