I wanna bring you to show and tell
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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