My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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