i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
We're too hungover to prance.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
