Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
