i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
