But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
