he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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