How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
