Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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