If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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