The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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