i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
