areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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